


The Delights of Empires

by thetransgirlwhoneverwas



Series: Fictober 2019 [4]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-12-01 20:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetransgirlwhoneverwas/pseuds/thetransgirlwhoneverwas
Summary: The Doctor and Lucie play a game with Caligula. If they lose, they die.If they win, they also die, because Caligula is a really bad loser.





	The Delights of Empires

“I didn’t know charades was such a popular pastime around here,” Lucie said.

“But of course! The noble art is known by every citizen of the great Roman Empire,” replied Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. “And none in this vast, fair city are more skilled in the intricacies of interpretation than I!”

“They left that out of the history books,” Lucie whispered to the Doctor beside her. “That Caligula liked charades.”

“Don’t-” started the Doctor, but he was interrupted.

“And I shall continue to prove it to you, Doctor!” Caligula continued. Lucie had to hold herself back from rolling her eyes, a feat she found Herculean in the face of the Emperor’s incredibly mockable self-aggrandising arrogance. “Though you were extremely skilled in recognising my indication of Paracitus Medicus, naturally it was inevitable, for I too am extremely skilled in the art of subtle gesture, as I am sure you will agree.”

Lucie opened her mouth to respond and immediately thought better of it. The frighteningly precise and extremely witty and certainly not at all expletive-ridden retorts she was used to shouting at pushy boys who wouldn’t leave her alone on club nights might not go down quite so well in the halls of a Roman emperor infamous for epitomising cruel and unusual punishment.

In the absence of a response from Lucie, and knowing that a failure to respond to him would not end with all their limbs still attached to their bodies, the Doctor stepped in. “I believe it’s our turn now?”

“But of course.” Caligula responded, unnervingly not homicidal. “Although I guarantee that I shall understand your choice of theatre almost immediately! As you should well know, I am a master at understanding what others are saying, even in the most obscure and subtle ways.”

Lucie again had to stifle a giggle, earning her a brief sharp look from the Doctor.

“Very well,” the Doctor responded, and began to gesture. He held up two fingers.

“Two words!” Caligula responded.

The Doctor nodded, and held one finger against his palm.

“First word,” Caligula understood.

The Doctor stood from his seat and pretended to walk. As he did so, he held his hands apart and moved them further away from each other gradually.

“Hmm...walking? A distance!” Caligula leaned forward, studying the Doctor’s movements intently. “Getting further away?”

The Doctor waved his hand in a non-committal manner, then shook his head and placed two fingers against his palm.

“Ah, second word, we’ll come back to the first I suppose,” Caligula didn’t seem pleased, but he stayed calm, much to Lucie’s relief.

The Doctor mimed fighting with a sword, then held up his arms at his side to show off muscles he was pretending were impressive. Lucie noted that they were not.

“Strength. Power. Fighting will. Glory?” Caligula asked.

The Doctor pointed at him and nodded on the last word.

“You dare POINT at your emperor?!”

The Doctor swiftly stopped pointing at him and held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“You are forgiven, Doctor.”

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief and took his seat again.

“So...a distance? Walking far? And glory?” Caligula examined the clues he had been given, but apparently was coming up short.

Lucie leaned over to the Doctor again. “Doesn’t seem like Caligula’s getting it.”

“Please don’t-” the Doctor said again, but was again interrupted.

“Argh! I do not understand! Your clues are insufficient! Your skills at this game are highly unsatisfactory!” Caligula barked at the Doctor.

“I...I’m honestly not sure how to make it more obvious, your glorious eminence,” the Doctor responded, struggling for a lifeline.

“You think I am a fool?” Caligula demanded. “You think I am a poor player? You shall tell me what you meant now, or I shall have both your heads!”

“Miles Gloriosus, my emperor,” the Doctor responded, shockingly calm.

“OF COURSE, Miles Gloriosus, naturally, oh, my congratulations Doctor!” Caligula laughed, murderous rage seemingly forgotten. “Oh, you are a skilled player, you have defeated me this round!”

“Thank you, your majesty,” Lucie cut in, eager to cut their losses and leave. “May we go now?”

The Doctor sighed deeply.

“You!” Caligula stood, bloodthirsty fury apparently back now. “You dare! Humiliate! Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus! And demand to leave unpunished?!”

“I, um, apologise, glorious emperor Caligula-”

“CALIGULA?!” he shrieked.

The Doctor sighed even deeper.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Caligula’s face was now an unhealthy looking shade of vermillion.

The Doctor leaned over to Lucie. “Caligula was actually an embarrassing childhood nickname of his. He hated it. A lot,” he whispered to her.

“How was I supposed to know?” Lucie whispered back.

“You weren’t, but we’re still in serious trouble,” the Doctor finished their whispered conversation.

“GUARDS!” Caligula screamed at everyone within earshot, “ARREST THESE HERETICS AND BRING ME THEIR HEADS ON PIKES! MAKE SURE I CAN HEAR THEM SCREAM!”

“Oh dear,” the Doctor said flatly.

“What do we do now?” Lucie asked, just as flatly.

“Oh, I think you know,” the Doctor responded.

They looked at Caligula, now jumping up and down with frenzy. He landed badly and tripped over his own knocked over chair, landing hard on the ground with an embarrassing squeal. He slowly looked at the Doctor and Lucie, now quivering with wrath. The two looked at each other, and said simultaneously:

“Run!”


End file.
